Repent

Yesterday's entry was'nt the sort of "buka pekung di dada" thg. But if it's read in that way, I can't help it. This is the page where I release my stresses and pressures. In the event I happen to "buka pekung dan aib orang lain" along the release, and as readers you seem to recognize people within the talk of my words, I also can't help it.

Should I take into account what readers would love and what not in the course of vomiting my stress, then I would become a hypocrite.

I don't gossip with many people because mainly my work revolves around files and stacks of unfinished documents. I rarely group down with staffs or other officers and talk about others. If I happen to know some gossips, it would be by air. News are spread around by certain people who are great in disseminating a same story into more than just a person.

I m not that kind of people although in my heart, I crave to become one! :-D

It's hard not to compare my fate with others as we are living the same roof and doing almost the same thg. We can see what others are doing and we are given the ability to measure the level achieved by the others. We can see that some people, of our similar post are doing extra works than others because he/she earns more delegated respects. It wont create even a simplest chaos if they are uplifted to outshine the rest.

But we also see some people who do their job recklessly, and subsequent to that, the effect goes to us who do the work in full commitment (as saya yang menurut perintah). It's not just kerana setitik nila habis susu sebelanga, but it's worst than that.

So how do you feel if you are the aggrieved individual?

Some of this reckless people are paid higher than you are. The same thing had happened and it repeats and will continue to happen until God knows when. They do the rubbish, and you get the shit.

So can you just sit down and relaxed, faking your feeling and taking things as normal as always, pretending that the worlds are moving like yesterday which is good ; without a slightest vengeance pistillate in heart?
Are you for real? :-D

Then I m not you because I have better feelings.

The AKC matter is not just about an award that is craved by me and off course others. I saw many people who announced to everyone that they should be given one. How they deserved to out-circle the rest. To my dissapoinment, everyone in this level has got their turn for AKC except me. So I was thinking previously, am I not good enough for one AKC when I was the guy who got the shit of that other guy who's granted an AKC but whose performance seems not worth of AKC?

This is my 7th year of service. Perhaps I think I v gone too long already. I heard officers in 4 years of service craving for AKC. If that officer feels her/his 4 years of service should deserve an AKC, why can't I feel the same when I had my service 2 years longer than her/his. Perhaps it's not about 'rights' but 'liberty'. I can have a liberty to crave, but it is unnecessary that what I crave for is my rights.

Takpelah kalau tak dapat.
Takpelah sebab bukan rezeki.
Tapi apa salahnya bersedih kerana belum rezeki.
Sebab kita manusia biasa, akan ada rasa kecewa dan sedih.
Tapi bukan pula sebab kecewa dan sedih tu akan mengubah apa2.
Semuanya akan tetap sama.

I still like doing the profiles.
I still 'love' seeing the lawyers and hear them talking on adjournments and fast tracking and what not.
Like or not, this is the job entrusted by God to me. It's for God to measure my honesty, because honest or not, I still get pay every end of the month :-D

I long have pleased the facts that some people are more lucky than others. Some people search for a better fate while some may just sit down and wait.

That fuller who is your boss now perhaps was a total wreck when he/she was your class mate. But he/she has a better fate, definitely. If he/she managed to utilise his/her specialty to survive, like sweet smile, or sweet talks, he/she will deserve better treatment from the bosses. I long have accepted this fact.

But for you who read my talking heart once or twice and barely know me and what I am doing, you must not be alarmed that I am still a human being who has feelings over everything. The way I respond and relate back is not necessarily as good as you perhaps may feedback. We are different.

So, don't judge me with such a remark.
I you have pressure to release, do it on your own page. If you have good deed to share with others, don't hide. Show yourself so that others can look into you like you have looked into others.