The rambling of the Invisible

The chief registrar's office has came out with the list of extremely excellent people for 2010. Wow the list is so lengthy, showing the number of diligent people in the complex. Congratulations to the chief.

I believe those in the list must be the type of very hardworking creatures. They always come early. They seldom come late. Or never come late at all because the Director told me right on my face that late comers do not qualify the anugerah kecemerlangan or anything relate to that.

Being hardworking, they must not be the type who always leave early. They attended all meetings. They obliged to all directives. They were 'seen' every times the complex had any event. They involved in all feast and ceremonies participated by the big bosses.

On top of that, the boss knows them. The chief has seen them everywhere. You don't need to be loved by the boss just to be in the list. You just need to be 'seen' as exist. That's all.

Eh eh, how about the work wise? Shouldn't they be the type who do works when others do A...B...C, they do A and straight XYZ ----> superfast/super intelligent/super duper excellent handler? I don't think so. Nobody will think so. The same job will be done in the same way. Public servant are all doing average. If they are extra good than others, they wont be in civil service. They might as well operate their own company. Works more earns more. You see.

As opposed to those criteria, I thought people who do not qualify this excellent list are the type that always : come late, early leaving, have lunch out of the prescribed times, never attended meetings, never care of the directions, never involved in events, never care on the happenings in the complex, never been recognized as one of the officers, never known by the boss.

In short, not even existed in the eyes of the boss. Ohh, this is hard, but yes,

That's the unlucky me! 

:-(

I feel pathetic today. Instead of having my usual low-carb breakfast, I tapau-ed fried meehon with some fried chicken. That shows my depressive mode on :-)

I went through the list and ponder that perhaps I m not fit the list as I did not perform in my 2010. Let put aside 'what I feel' about my own performance. I may think that perhaps I was at par with everybody in the list especially to those from the same division.

I know who did more work, who escaped most of the times and did less works. I also know who went missing for many medical leaves, emergency leaves, or who had finished the annual leave even before end of the year. God, I also know who cheated on working days.

I m not surprised that my name is not there. I didn't expect pun. It has been fated for me. I did not get the 2010 AKC, I failed the stupid interview for the HLP, I was not identified by the big boss. I sound like a looser. Don't I? hehe.

I worked hard and played roles too. I went through quite a tough year dealing with the stupid cert of urgency and all other tasks that were not necessarily easy.  I became the most officer receiving complaints from dissatisfied lawyers. I was blamed by the former managing boss for all the complaints. I was being tortured by the Managing Judge in meetings because of the stupid complaints.

Sigh!

There are people who never involved in the job that I have been doing. They do simpler task, but they got recognition and good appraisals.  Why? Because they made people see what they do. Whereas, I do my work behind the scene.

I am a low profile jerk because I was not seen by the boss at places where I should be seen because I was busy with the backstage works.
Stupid.

and unlucky.

Those people whose works are measurable by the number of cases, say people on the bench, their performance can be evaluated by the number of cases they heard and disposed of. But for us who sit behind the bench of the Judges, what is there to measure our performance? None.

So the boss who gave you mark, in my case the Director, will base her evaluation on my essay on how I evaluate myself. I did my essay in short and precise manner, just like the way I did my profile. I thought it must be simple and legible. That's what the Judge wants. But boy, I was wrong.

I saw lengthy essays. Expanded and compromised, but carry the same meaning. But that essay earns more marks. Perhaps I should elaborate my essay to earn me more marks. I think I should praise myself more. Because the Director does not know me. I don't even know what marks she gave to me last year that unfit myself for the excellent list (sigh!).

Every time I saw her, the remark was the same. Eh you dah 48? Cepatnya? I was like, what?? I ve been 48 since 2009. Pathetic me! It's either because I was looking young to become a 48, or I dont seem to qualify a senior look. Haih!

What I want to convey is that the list means nothing except a mockery of the best performance of 2010. If one did not perform well, but the name is listed, should he/she feel proud of it?

Well at least he/she is being recognized by the boss. Unlike me. *nanges*

Early this morning a clerk straight away came to me and told, Puan, kawan kita dapat Anugerah Cemerlang...wahhhh... terus naik 48...! as she was referring to Cik A who was one of the lucky names in the list.

She's being dumb and gave a clueless remark pulak. I laughed at her (but cried in heart) and explained the fact that it is not the anugerah khidmat cemerlang like the managing boss had early this year. It's one of the many certifications by the chief office to appreciate lucky people. Perhaps cik A's 48 was mistakenly placed. If that list could help a promotion straight away, I could have been more crazy thinking of my dark future in the hands of this top bosses.

Ok, enuff of the rantings. I'd like to share the blogs that I have been reading for the past few days.

http://cursingmalay.blogspot.com/
http://aididmuaddib.blogspot.com/
http://keretamayat.blogspot.com/

Perhaps many have been reading them. I just found that these writers are damn good in the field that they write, okay except in some part, they may sound lousy. But anyway the writings are somehow an eye-opening. So, enjoy!

And I m going to continue my rambling in heart...the rambling of the invisible me