Upset

There are things that easily make you upset. For me, not because of someone's wealthy. Not really. But yes a little. Sometimes may be. But it highly depends on situation. But that's not what concern me at the time being.

Today I was made known that the successful candidates who passed the HLP interview and being offered to further studies by JPA, they will be informed by telephone. Kak Tim and Y are one of those lucky people.

I knew from the very beginning that my application form did not even passed my HQ. I knew that JPA did not have the opportunity to evaluate me. I was discarded from the very first step. I should not expect for any hope. I should look forward and reserve the next year's offer, if any.

But deep inside my heart, I pray that I could get the chance. Perhaps the HQ people sent my form but the JPA in charge did not get the form for what so ever reason and told me so, but actually, in the end, they did. And they evaluate me eventually. And they will be giving the offer to me.

Tapi itu cuma mimpi.
Rupanya itu cuma mimpi.

When Kak Tim told me the good news (for her but not for me), I was not surprise. Instead, I pray that mine would be the next call. But it shed my tears. The hope was just a further cut on my feeling. It was first my dream which then became the dream of all applicants, but in the end I was the failed one :-(

I tried to console myself and told my husband. But he would not understand it. He said I can always apply again. I still have 7 years ahead before I expire the condition of HLP with regards to the age of applicant. This does not help me at all even though what he said is nevertheless correct.

I feel unlucky. When all other prayers are welcome, the ultimate prayers are left hanging. It must be something that is not right about my affair with Allah. I use to get all that I desired. Though late or below my expectation.

When I was small, I barely got what I desired. For instance, when I wanted a good branded shoes for school, say Aliph or Jazz or Bata, my father said he did not have much money and I would be contented with just Marco brand which is the cheapest on the rack. When I asked for a barbie doll, all that I got was a cheap night market doll worth RM10. When I wanted a brand new bicycle, I got my eldest brother's worn off BMX or my mom's old 7-up big bicycle.

When I completed my SPM, I dreamed to further studies abroad, to Morocco for example, but I cant afford to live afar from family. So I 'reduced' the desire to a local Uni that I admired most. IIU. Why IIU? No clue. Perhaps the love of Arabic and English? I heard they use English and Arabic as medium languages. Nonetheless, my SPM result did not fit me for Law Faculty in IIU, instead a place in ITM as in Diploma in Public Admin. Alhamdulillah I did well in that course though I barely liked it. I did not even bother the future of that Diploma holder. I did not remember what was my alternative ambition when I was small. Okay I failed to become a doctor because I flopped my maths subject. I thought I would love politics, but politics can't do for quite and shy fuller like me. So what is left? I loved Shariah and Quran Sunnah. That is why I attempted IIU. But why Law Faculty? Because from there I can learn shariah law. But since He did not permit me to do shariah path, perhaps I should do the civil path.

Lucky for me that line of studies has led me to find and fall in love with the civil legal field. I got 4 flat for the subject named The Legal System in my 3rd year Diploma. Then I was admitted to the Law Faculty in UiTM Shah Alam, where I took 6 months to do the pre LL.B and 3 years for the LL.B (general) and a year for LL.B (Hons). Now they converted LL.B (gen) into BLS (Bach in Legal Studies) which carry the same status as LLB Gen but higher qualification (sebab ada hons kat situ) so for those who continued LL.B(hons) they'll get double hons. But who cares.

Because I was not qualified for IIU, I went for DPA and took 7 years to get my LLB(hons) while others who did the direct path, straight away got their degree after 4 years. When my friends had been working when they were 23, I got my LLB grad in my 26! What a waste of time if I think at the evil side of it. But still, I got what I prayed for. Though delayed and out of expectation.

I got myself enrolled in this career just after I received the result of the final semester. That means, when I went to the last convocation (I had 3 altogether, for diploma, general degree and hon degree) I have been working. Alhamdulillah. Nak belajar pandai2, dapat. Nak dapat kerja bagus, dapat. Nak remain kat sini, dapat. Nak kawin, dapat. Nak anak, dapat. Lambat tapi ada. Alhamdulillah....

Nonetheless, I found myself at lost for these few recent years. I prayed for some appreciation on my career, not yet granted. I prayed to have 2nd baby, not yet granted. I prayed for my husband to become a better person in all aspects, not yet granted. I wanted to have a better life in terms of wealthy and healthy - ness, not yet granted. I wanted to further studies without having to sacrifice my own time with the works and family, application was rejected!

That is why I cried. I thought I am just the most unlucky person.

But my husband said, which is true enough, I am comparing myself to a few lucky people around me, whilst I forget to see that there are so many unlucky people in the world whose life are worse then mine. Just look at your next door and see his/her life. Don't you feel lucky to have me as a husband who everyday tries to be better and make you happy. Don't you see our fast-growing-almost 3 years old-naughty but funny daughter who always check on us whether we had performed our solat or not? Don't you see the house that we are living? Everything should be better if you look at it from a good side, not the evil side. The HLP matter is just not on your side. May be not your time. God should have a better plan for you because he is Maha Perancang. (okay some of these are exaggerated, my husband is just telling me the basic things)

I used to get everything, though pretty late, because I was nearer to Him when I was alone, I mean single. Now I feel very far from Him. Perhaps this is it. Now everything comes to sensible. I should return to what I use to be.